A Letter to my Neighbors

Dear Neighbors:

I would ask that you please refrain from firing any firearms that you own after the hour of 11:00 pm. Because, when you do, this causes my not-easily-alarmed husband to wake me up, (not a good idea) and ask, "Did you hear that?" And even though I was not awakened by your loud disturbance, my husband, who I repeat, is very calm and not easily alarmed, the tone in his voice causes me to sit straight up in bed and turn on the light.

Now, we are not sure which one of you was the source of the noise. What I do know is that my husband felt the need to walk through the house with our gun (in his skivies, nonetheless), making sure that none of you had gotten the idea in your heads that we wanted company at 11:30 pm. This was utterly terrifying to myself, who still has nightmares about clowns and who requires at least 30 minutes to think clearly.

I would also ask you to refrain from making any noise that resembles a chainsaw or any other heavy machinery at such late hours as well. Just in case you didn't know, we actually did hear you loud and clear the first time. Making more noise was not a good idea. In fact, I was very tempted to come over and show you my Mac Light, which is very heavy and sits right by the bed.

If it was you, neighbors-who-live-in-the-house/mini-fortress-with-the-scary-siren-that-goes-off-occasionally, we are willing to forgive. Mostly because we are a little scared of you, but also because you helped us when our dog got out of the fence. And if it was you, neighbors-who-painted-their-house-the-color-of-a-booger, we will also forgive you, as long as you promise not to shoot anyone and if you paint your house a different color (let's be honest, it would be better for everyone's re-sell value).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely, the Kerlins